“Let’s get together soon. I’ll call you!” How many times have you said this to someone or vice versa and then the promised action of calling never occurs? My guess is a ton. Everyone does this, including myself. It’s almost like a knee jerk reaction when we see someone we haven’t seen for a while. Over the course of time, I began to ask the question to myself, why do I say I’m going to call these people and never actually do it? The simple answer may be that you were just being polite, but oftentimes its more than that. When I tell people I’d give them a call to catch up again, most of the time I have full intentions to do so. Over the course of time, I have realized that so many times in my life I make a commitment that I have don’t follow through on even if I initially intended to. This creates a pattern and over time you just get numb to commitment making to the point that your word means nothing when you give it. Why is this and how can we recognize and change this behavior?
Reinforcement of not following through
When you give your word to someone or even yourself and don’t follow through, you are reinforcing to your brain that what you say you’re going to do and what you actually do are two very separate things. When the mind disassociates from verbal commitment, people become numb to sticking to their word and oftentimes don’t even remember they gave it in the first place. If this is you, don’t be alarmed. You’re really not alone by a longshot! Most people do this, but they fail to recognize it. You, the reader on the other hand are probably beginning to recognize this behavior in yourself as you are reading this. That is the first step to correcting this behavior, recognition.
Recognition
Recognizing this behavior is the first and hardest hurdle that you have to get out of the way in order to fix this habit. It is difficult because most of the time you won’t recognize it yourself and someone else will need to point it out to you. This is because the brain is used to the pattern you set for it and does not see any issue with it. When you begin to catch yourself in the act, it will be more and more easy to correct over time. Before you make a commitment, ask yourself if it is really something you plan on following through with, or are you just saying it out of habit or formality. It’s important to be honest with yourself about what commitment you plan on keeping and what you don’t. This will help the brain register and filter commitments for you over time.
Commit to less and do more
Start committing to less things and instead take action on what you know you are going to do to. When you see someone you know, instead of committing to call them soon, simply say it was nice to see you and let them make a commitment instead of yourself. In addition to this, don’t say you will be somewhere and not show up. In a situation where you know you will not be able to attend something yet make the commitment to do so anyway, be honest with yourself and whoever invited you to the event. This will eliminate the stress of you disappointing someone and make you overall more realistic and accountable to your own word. Making overzealous commitments you know you can’t keep is a bad habit to get into. There may be some initial disappointment, but it’s better than committing to something and then being a no show. For example, if your boss asks you to pick up some overtime and you know you can’t do it, don’t say yes and then go through the stress of not showing up. It’s better to just be honest up front and only make the commitments feasible for you to keep.
Being honest with yourself
It is very important to set realistic expectations for yourself. If you overextend yourself, you will face the stress and emotional strain of not accomplishing the things you told yourself you’d get done. Making an internal promise to yourself and then not following through on said promise is negative reinforcement for the brain. It will disassociate what you do and what you say you are going to do. This is true for both internal and external commitments. You need to be honest with yourself and recognize your limits. Energy is a finite resource and dividing it up into small bite sized pieces is a much more feasible commitment rather than putting too much on your own plate. I wrote numerous blogs in the past about time management and scheduling. I will link to some below as much of this information is interconnected in many ways.
Conclusion
Don’t make commitments you have no intention on following through with. Be honest with yourself, and know your limits. First, begin to recognize where you are over committing to things and begin to stop yourself before committing to something you won’t follow through with. Start to associate your words with the actions you intend to take. This will help reduce stress for yourself, over commitment, and disappointment from others. If you are just honest and realistic, you will very much be able to improve your life. Stop saying you will do things and never do them. It’s time to take action on your word! Understand yourself and your limitations, and get in better touch with what is important to you and what is feasible. This is not to say don’t take chances and risks. This is something to build up to. Simply begin to follow through with your words and over time it will help build the confidence in yourself to take the leap to committing to more. Your brain is a powerful tool and you have the keys to program it to work for you! Take advantage of that, stay in touch with yourself, and stand by your word!
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