We have been lied to! This statement is true in so many ways, perhaps none more than the way in which I want to address a lie today. One of the biggest lies we are told is that we need to convince others to see our point of view on things to entice them to do what it is we want them to do. This is true for parenting, sales, relationships, and basically every component of human interaction. Why are we, even at such a young age, biologically opposed to being told we can’t do something or we need to do something a certain way? Why knowing all this do we as a society try so hard to impose our viewpoints on others even though it is clear and obvious that people respond negatively to this? The truth is, if you want people to come to a certain conclusion, you’ll need to extract their motives and viewpoints and use them as a guide to come up with their conclusions. By asking pointed open-ended questions, you may be able to align and come to a conclusion that makes sense for everyone. After all, no one wants someone else’s viewpoint forced on them. There is power in this methodology of communication, a kind of grace and empathy brute force does not share. This power is the key to becoming a master communicator in any situation by aligning yourself with human psychology rather than fighting against it.
The Problem With Yes
Traditionally, we believe that when we get the other party to say “yes” or “you’re right” during a conversation, they have made their point and the other person is in agreement. This perhaps couldn’t be further from the truth. People use the word yes as a defense mechanism in many cases. Think about the salesman who is trying to sell you something you don’t really want, like a new car. Envision it, the salesman might proclaim a string along a series of questions you’ll say yes to because they feel like a “yes” answer is one step closer to a closed deal!
Think about this dialogue:
Car salesman: “Do you drive a car?”
Customer: “Yes”
Car salesman: “Do you like savings?”
Customer: “Yes”
Car salesman: “Well then, do I have the right car for you….(goes on to break down the car’s features and benefits!”
Although this example is simplistic in nature, it captures the essence of what a typical conversation like this might look like. It’s uncomfortable, it’s pushy, and it’s the reason salespeople have a bad stigma when it comes to the general public. It is totally against human nature to approach this interaction this way and expect a positive result!
The Power Of No
When you give someone the ability to say “no”, you’re giving them the perception of power and control over the conversation. As soon as the word “no” leaves their lips, anything from that point forward is their choice rather than yours. They now have the ability to come to their own conclusions. Paired with the right open ended questions, getting a well-timed “no” response is critical to any crucial conversation.
Let’s go back to our car salesman and see how this approach would play out in real time:
Car salesman: “Are you guys in the market for your next car?”
Customer: “No, we’re just browsing right now.”
Car salesman: ” Okay, you probably wouldn’t be interested in hearing more about this month’s promotion then.”
Customer: “Oh, promotion? What kind of promotion?”
Again, this example is extremely simplified, but we can draw some key takeaways here to add to our own conversational toolbelt. Notice the salesman didn’t take the “yes” answer approach. He started off with a simple question. When he got a no answer, he pulled away. He then approached his response in the form of a statement rather than a question. It wasn’t leading the customer like most salespeople try to do, it was giving them the ability to say “no” and end the conversation right then and there! With this control given to the customer, they didn’t feel forced to listen to the salesman. Instead, they made the conscious choice to ask for more information with their curiosity piqued.
Now, this interaction may or may not lead to a sale for the salesperson, but it immediately built rapport. The probability of a sale being made, referral being given to a friend of the customer, or a sale being made to the customer at a later date increased dramatically by taking the “no” approach rather than the forced “yes” one. From this point, it would be wise for the salesman to briefly go over the promotions and then immediately direct the attention of the conversation back to the needs of the customer rather than pitching the product. By asking open-ended questions, the salesman will be able to learn more about the customer’s situation, why they ended up in the car dealership at all, and what problem they are looking to solve by being there.
Giving people the power to say no aligns completely with the needs of human psychology. When yes is being force fed to someone in nearly any circumstance in human interaction, the chances increase dramatically that the party being told what to do, think, or believe will react unfavorably to the situation and affect their view of the other party negatively. Fighting against human nature is a battle you’ll never win. Learn to appreciate and consider its nuance when approaching your next conversation and watch how the effects of this approach impact your interactions positively in every area of your life!