When you’re having a conversation with someone, are you listening to them, or are you thinking about the next thing you want to say while they’re talking? This is a question I haven’t pondered much until recently. I have been intrigued by phycology and communication for some time as these skills are the backbone to success in real estate as it is a relationship based business. This quest for knowledge brought me to a book called Crucial Conversations. One of the biggest takeaways from reading this book was the question I just posed to you at the opening of this blog post. To paraphrase the book, one of the most profound points that stuck out to me was, “what someone would call a dialogue a large portion of the time is actually two monologues happening out loud”. That hit me hard. Instantly, hundreds of conversations flashed before my eyes of frustration and not being able to get my point across. I had always considered myself a bit of a hot head and thought brute force was a good method to get my point across in conversation. After exposing myself to the viewpoints of this book and applying it to my life and the way I communicate, I can comfortably say many contested conversations I’ve had in the past were likely me monologuing out loud to someone who wasn’t receptive to what I was saying. This wasn’t their fault, it was mine. When you enter a conversation selfishly and don’t consider the thoughts of others, being a successful communicator becomes impossible. It turns out the most effective form of communication isn’t too much talking at all. It’s actually more about asking the right questions and listening actively!
The Best Conversationalists Are The Best Listeners
One of the hardest skills to master when bettering your communication skills is the art of listening. This may sound silly, but listening isn’t as easy as you might think! If you consciously try to quiet your brain and listen to the other person involved in the dialogue intently, you are likely to find yourself instinctually drumming up the next thing you want to say. Let go of this desire. Focus intently on what the other person is saying. Gain an understanding of their thoughts and perspectives before trying to talk over them with your own points. This defeats the purpose of conversation. Your ability to listen is the single most important skill to have when dealing with communication. Period, end of story. In my business life, I use my ability to listen to gain as much perspective from the other party as I possibly can. Only when I understand their needs can I structure the conversation to use these needs to drive home a point we can mutually agree on. I use this skill when negotiating with tenants, buyers, and all other business related interactions.
At home with your spouse or significant other, screaming matches are common and lead to nowhere. Emotions flare and harmful things are said that cannot be taken back. It is my opinion that most relationships that fail do so because the two parties are unable to effectively communicate. You can often get to a resolution to a confrontation much quicker if you were to actively listen to your spouse and try to gain insight into their perspective. You may even uncover your emotional bias may have blinded you to some fault you may have not even recognized prior! You can only figure these things out when you actively listen, but how do we get the person we are in dialogue with to really share some useful information we can use to shape the conversation effectively?
Open Ended Questions
As much as listening is an art form, asking open ended questions is an art in itself. Without one, the other would not hold as much power. When you ask questions that prompt the other party to elaborate on their perspective, you are able to gain much more poignant information about their thoughts on the matter at hand. A skillful questioner will use open ended questions as a guiding mechanism for the conversation while simultaneously outwardly forfeiting control of the conversation to the other party. When this “net of safety” has been established by the sophisticated communicator, the other party involved in the dialogue becomes more likely to share sensitive information they may not have felt comfortable to share otherwise. This is a tactic we use often in negotiation when dealing with a seller or an agent. When you ask the right open ended questions and sit back to listen, you set the stage for the other party to show their hand so to speak. This is not a skill, however, that is meant to produce a winner and a loser. It’s a skill that will allow people to feel comfortable opening up to you so that you can find an effective resolution to the problem at hand rather than getting into an emotionally fueled screaming match! When an open ended question is asked, there is one more piece of the puzzle to add to really level up your communication skills.
Silence
When there is empty space in a conversation, we are tempted to fill it with some form of talking to end what can feel like an “awkward silence”. The truth is, silence can be the most powerful conversation tactic if used properly. The right open ended question punctuated with a well placed period of silence is conversation gold. You control the cadence and pacing of the conversation, but the floor is open for the other party to think about your question and begin to fill the silence with dialogue which they will inevitably do quickly. Remain silent and actively listen to what they’re saying by repeating their words in your head as they say them. Don’t interject as much as you can help it.
These three skills in conjunction with one another will make you a formidable communicator. One who is capable of having deeply personal and highly productive conversations with anyone. From work to personal life, these tactics are a one stop shop for becoming great at communicating and turn that “two monologues out loud “approach to a true healthy and productive dialogue!